soonerdudes

Thanks for playing, Fox Sports. But, as any discerning college football fan that read your list immediately thought to themselves, your list sucks.

Here is a more accurate representation of reality. Granted, each person’s respective life experiences alter his list dramatically. Nevertheless, here’s mine and I’m sticking to it.

Make the jump to see the most obnoxious fans in the country.

LSU fans top the list and it's not close.

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If it’s true that every guy is allowed one platonic man crush (hey, I don’t make the rules), then it only makes sense that every team should be allowed the same.

The fan crush—a collective (and strongly heterosexual) bromance between the majorities of two fan bases. Think Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson in Wedding Crashers, only on a broader scale. Maybe it’s just me, but I think we’ve got one brewing.

Alabama and Oklahoma. Two powerhouse programs, one bona fide fan crush.

Tuscaloosa and Norman. Bear and Bud. Saban and Stoops. Roll Tide and Boomer Sooner. The Crimson Tide and the Crimson and Cream.

I’m not gonna lie, I lend my fanhood to Bama 90 percent of the time. In the cutthroat landscape of college football, where alliances are broken at the first opportunity to gain traction in the BCS standings, it’s hard to do much better than that.

They’re the anti-LSU—a team that’s been around the block a time or two and acts accordingly. Their tradition is amazing and their collective fanhood is top notch.

While some on each side may disagree, the general attitude between the two schools is one of mutual respect and admiration—a breath of fresh air in the college football world, home to some of the most hated rivals in sports.

It started way back in the day with Bear Bryant and Bud Wilkinson, coaching legends and patriarchs of each respective program. In his autobiography, Good Life and Hard Times as Alabama’s Head Coach, Bryant often reminisces about Wilkinson, whom he considered a close friend and mentor. That alone commands the respect of every living fan of the two programs.

Paul "Bear" Bryant

Among serious and discerning college football fans, Alabama and Oklahoma are generally regarded as being in the top five, and perhaps the two most decorated, programs of all time.

They’ve each won seven national championships, putting them in a tie for second all-time along with USC. Only Notre Dame (8) has won more. Minnesota (6), Ohio State (5), Nebraska (5) and Miami (5) are the only other schools that even come close.

Bama has more bowl wins and appearances than any other program with 28 and 52, respectively. OU has been ranked No. 1 in the AP poll more than any other school at 97 weeks.

Bama has more perfect seasons than any other school with eight. OU has the highest wining percentage (.761) since World War II, the years widely regarded as the Modern Era of college football.

Bama is tops in 10-game winning streaks with 21. OU owns the all-time longest winning streak at 47.

Perhaps the only glaring difference between the two in the record books is in the Heisman Trophy column, where OU has claimed five. Despite all its success, no player from Bama has ever won the Heisman.

Call me crazy, but I'm starting to like Nick Saban.

Their successes span decades. Their histories run deep. And in a recent home-and-home series in 2002 and 2003, their ties were reintroduced to a new generation.

“[Alabama] is a great program,” Stoops said following Oklahoma’s 20-13 victory in 2003, doing his part to set the tone. “Places like this, they appreciate good football. They’ve won enough around here that they’re not jealous of anyone else. They’re a good team, which doesn’t surprise anybody.”

Nick Saban and Bob Stoops, current heads of the programs, appear to have carried on the working relationship established by Bear and Bud years ago. The two are reported to have a mutual respect for one another, if not a genuine friendship. This despite a potential scandal in which Saban (head coach at LSU at the time) had been accused of spying on the Oklahoma’s Superdome practices the week leading up to the game.

Stoops has gone on record saying he does not believe there was any foul play, and I think I speak for most of Sooner Nation when I say that a friend of Bob’s is a friend of mine (Incidentally, LSU fans don’t just hate Saban, they pretty much want him dead. Any human being so despised by LSU has got to be all right.)

The next time you see a Bama fan, show some respect—they deserve it. Chances are, they’ll do the same.

If, for whatever reason, this one just does not work out for you, here is my list of the top ten schools it’s okay for Sooners to fan crush on:

Alabama. See above. OU all-time record: 2-1-1.

Nebraska. Strong feelings have diminished of late, mainly due to the Huskers’ epic fall from grace and former head coach Bill Callahan, who was overheard calling Sooner fans a bunch of “f-ing hillbillies.”  But it’s nearly impossibly to deny that Nebraska has some of the most respectable fans in the nation. It doesn’t hurt that Tom Osborne, the program’s patriarch, was a class act and that current head coach Bo Pellini is a branch on the Bob Stoops coaching tree. OU all-time record: 44-37-3.

Virginia Tech. Tech fans are perhaps the best-kept secret in college football—a passionate, knowledgeable and friendly bunch. I should know, I’m married to one. VT Head Coach Frank Beamer is also a class act. OU all-time record: 1-0.

Wisconsin. Mainly because they’re harmless and pretty much just want to have fun. OU all-time record: 2-0.

Ohio State. This one may be tough to swallow for some, since Ohio State is a clear threat to Oklahoma’s claim to college football supremacy. I include them because I’ve just always liked them, mostly because of my Dad, who attended grad school at tOSU. OU all-time record: 1-1.

Arizona. Head Coach Mike Stoops is Bob’s brother and the man responsible for our best defense in the Bob Stoops era that, incidentally, won us a national title. Another branch on the Stoops coaching tree. OU all time record: 1-1.

Tulsa. The Golden Hurricane is a likeable bunch, mainly because they’re an in-state program with no real threat to OU. Plus they’re always doing something kinda cool with their offense over in T-town. OU all-time record: 15-7-1.

Minnesota. Bet you didn’t know Minnesota has more national championships than Texas, Ohio State, Michigan, Miami and Nebraska. What you also may not have known is that as a player, Bud Wilkinson led the Golden Gophers to three of them in a row back in 1934, 1935 and 1936, respectively. OU all-time record: 2-0.

Army/Navy/Air Force. Who honestly doesn’t have a slight fan crush for one of the teams that risks it all to defend your right to enjoy college football on Saturdays? OU all-time record: Army 2-1, Navy 0-1, Air Force 1-0.

South Carolina. Don’t lie—you’ve got a man crush on The Old Ball Coach. You kinda dig it that he was Stoops’ boss when the Gators won the national title in ’96. Add the fact that the man has a membership at Augusta, and you pretty much want to be him. Points for SC, and maybe even a fan crush. OU all-time record: N/A.

You may have already heard the rumors going around that LSU fans smell just like corndogs. And while this claim may seem ludicrous and arbitrary at first, it is important to know about one explosive night in Auburn, Alabama.

It was September 16, 2006, and No. 4 Auburn was hosting No. 7 LSU in what was a highly anticipated SEC showdown. After consuming a whole mess of corndogs at halftime, LSU Head Coach Les Miles gambled n’ lost with just minutes left in the fourth quarter.

Les Miles: A Gamblin' Man.

The ensuing stench, which was epic, penetrated the coach’s boxer-jorts and lingered on the sidelines for several minutes before making its way to the stands. Unable to pinpoint the origin of the smell, the Auburn faithful blamed it on a group of obnoxious LSU fans seated together near the end zone. The Auburn student section began taunting them, pointing at them and chanting, “Corn-dogs! Corn-dogs! Corn-dogs!”

By the end of the game, word had gotten out: LSU fans smell just like corndogs.

Since that night, LSU’s fans have taken the heat for their coach’s lapse in sound judgment. But for those in the know, Lester’s GNL provided answers about one of the most bizarre pregame interviews in sports history:

[Youtube= http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g9mKMJVxrk0]

Following the dreaded Shower of Shame, the coach addressed the media in his post game press conference where he attempted to play down his affect on his team’s 7-3 loss. “They say it’s better to have gambled n’ lost than to never have gambled at all,” Miles said. Actually, they were wrong.

And actually, I made that whole thing up just now. It is believed that the phrase is actually exported from OU, where it is used to insult fans of the Nebraska Cornhuskers. Now Auburn is making it famous. Vegas has it is the prohibitive favorite to appear on more College Gameday signage than any other phrase in 2009, surpassing Tebow messiah references and Lou Holtz speech impediment jokes.

But let’s just state the obvious. Making a generalization about any human being by claiming they smell like a fried hotdog on a stick is a blatant affront to one’s dignity. The fact that Cajuns are known for and take great pride in their cuisine makes this statement all the more inflammatory. It strikes directly at the heart of the one thing they have going strongest for them—food.

But given that LSU fans are among the most obnoxious I have encountered, and along with Arkansas, arguably the worst in college football, I find this whole thing hilarious.

Now I can’t say I’ve ever gone out of my way to smell an LSU fan. But from my experience at the 2003 BCS National Championship Game in New Orleans, where I enjoyed a whole slew of shrimp gumbo, po’ boys and crawfish etouffée just for starters, I would confidently say that no self-respecting Cajun would ever serve a corndog. This is why we must look past the claim’s absurdity and focus on its intent—capturing the essence of just how little LSU fans are respected. And for this, it works perfectly.

It is a well agreed upon fact that most LSU fans, like their head coach, are not the most enjoyable people. For as long as anyone can remember, it has been impossible to express just how obnoxious they are. In an attempt to articulate the LSUCK phenomenon, I conducted an unscientific survey that had the Tigers batting a thousand in the red.

One simple question: “What are your overall impressions of LSU fans?”

“The queens of crappy fanhood.”

“No clue about the real world.”

“Impossible to have an intelligent conversation with.”

“They take credit when it is not deserved, and won’t give it when it is due.”

“Obnoxious, classless and uneducated, just like their coach.”

“I’ve never met any personally, but if Les Miles is any indication, I think they’re all ****s.”

Translation? “They smell like corndogs.”

Fletcher's Corny Dog: 8 Coupons. Miller Light: 10 Coupons. Not smelling like corndogs the remaining 364 days of the year: Priceless.

In a way, I feel like they don’t even deserve that much credit. Why? Because corndogs are phenomenal. I love them on pancakes, I love them on pizza. For OU fans, finding satisfaction here lands squarely in the realm of the proverbial pot and kettle. Every second Saturday of October you can find me at the State Fair of Texas, and the chances that I’ll be holding a Fletcher’s Original Corny Dog opposite my Miller Light are strong to quite strong. In fact, most would agree that Corny Dogs are the quintessential staple food of OU-Texas, rivaled only by relative newcomer deep-friend bacon. While I enjoy mine the proper way with yellow mustard, you can also customize your dog. Try yours with a little ketchup like Schooner Phil. You can even mayo your corndog like Capitol Sooner.

Another word, if I may, about my experience in 2003. If you took away the verbal abuse, over-the-top drunkenness and general thug mentality of the LSU fan base that week, I would say it was downright pleasant. One particular moment that sticks out is being harassed while walking down the street with my Mother following the game. Last January, although I was at the game and around Florida fans for three days straight, the only gloating I heard following OU’s loss to the Gators in the BCS National Championship game was from an LSU fan taking credit for another SEC school’s win.

So while in society it’s probably best never to tell a person they smell like any kind of dog (corndogs, dog breath and updog* all come to mind), don’t feel too sorry when you see an LSU fan getting corndogged by Auburn. After all, they still have the perfect comeback (“Okay, well Auburn fans smell like their team has a third of our national championships.”)

And if you think that’s funny, add up both school’s trophies, add three more, and contemplate why it just took so much work to calculate the Sooners’ national championships.

Whoops, just gambled n’ lost.

Boomer Sooner.

*Note: Not much, Dog. What’s up with you?